My soul longs, yes, even faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.
Psalm 84:2
How true these words are to me!
I believe that as His greater creation, as His children, we have an innate, built-in, and yes, overwhelming need to feel His holy presence in our hearts. For that purpose, we have been lovingly and carefully created by Him. The awareness of such holy longing can be felt in us spontaneously, anywhere, and anytime.
Thinking back through my past life (before I was born-again), I remember that many times, right in the middle of what was apparently a happy celebration, I would suddenly feel alone and out-of-place. Never mind that I was surrounded by people. This would not register in my soul. Thoughts would rush through my head that had nothing to do with my surroundings.
I recollect one episode: a gala at a country club where we had been members for a number of years. I looked in the mirror and for one fleeting moment I was totally satisfied with what I saw: my hair looked nice, the outfit I selected was just right. People around me said just the right things, going in and coming out. To top things off, my spouse actually said, in an audible voice, that he liked what I was wearing. He was not inclined to praise me, so his compliment was nothing short of small miracle.
And yet in the middle of this beautiful circumstance (by worldly standards) my happiness evaporated quickly. It was replaced by uninvited thoughts. I wondered if my fellow country-club members would still like me if I were not dressed in the way chic parties require. What if I were poor again, what if I wore rags, what if I burst into tears and made a dramatic scene? Would they still like me? And even if my economic situation remained stable and I could continue this fashionable lifestyle, what then? Even with the material comforts I now enjoyed as an adult living in the United States, happy moments were rare in my life. Unidentified anxiety was, most of the time, my typical companion.
Along with these thoughts, words would rush through my mind, too real to ignore, words like: “Vanity of vanities and all is vanity,” and,”What will benefit man to gain the whole world if he loses his soul?” and, “Everything will pass, but where is my soul going after I close my eyes forever?”
I had heard and meditated on these words since very early in my childhood. Too young, perhaps, to remember when I first heard them. I only know that they have been with me for as long as I can remember. I was about three when my Momma started taking me to church every morning. There were not many places to go to in my village, which was nestled in the heart of the fertile Dominican interior. Up until the age of sixteen, church was the place I went. I was Roman Catholic and very religious. I wanted to be closer to God, so I grew up thinking I wanted to be a nun. I wanted to live for Him. Despite my confusions, I always knew He was the only thing worth living for. However, I didn’t feel the joy of the Lord during mass. I would go for retreats every chance I got, thinking this would minister to my soul but I could not feel the joy of the Lord within the high brick walls of the convent, either. I was fearful much of the time.
Many years later, as a wife and mother, I tried to understand these feelings of emptiness. I thought I might be nostalgic for something I could not identify. Now that I’m born again, I know that all that this world has to offer: Riches, beauty, power, and apparent success, none of this is designed to fill us up. It cannot penetrate our souls. It cannot get to the deepest part of our being and fill it up with gladness and joy. Neither will Religion (man’s attempt to identify and please God) ease our discomforts. Only a relationship with the living God can elevate our minds above the human condition. Only through his Precious Holy Spirit can we feel and absorb everything we were created to experience.
And all of these blessings are free for the asking! By simply asking Jesus, His only begotten Son, to be our Savior and Lord, we automatically inherit the precious legacy of every good and eternal gift He has reserved for us before the creation of the world. We can either reject or accept His offer. The decision is up to each one of us.
